The Guilt of Not Feeling Close to God

One thing I never expected after becoming Catholic was the guilt.

Not the guilt that comes from God, but the guilt that comes from believing you're slowly drifting away from Him.

When I was baptised at Easter in 2025, I remember people telling me, "It won't always be easy. There will be spiritual warfare."

If I'm honest, for the first few months I remember thinking, What is everyone talking about?

Everything felt... peaceful.

I loved going to Mass. I wanted to read my Bible. Prayer came naturally. My faith felt exciting.

I didn't really understand what spiritual warfare meant.

Then, slowly, things changed.

I'd stop reading my Bible for a few days.

Then a week.

Prayer became less frequent.

I'd fall into sins I knew weren't leading me closer to God, and instead of running back to Him, I'd distance myself because I felt ashamed.

That was probably the hardest part.

I wasn't angry at God.

I wasn't trying to walk away from Him.

I genuinely believed I wasn't good enough to come back.

I cried more than I ever expected to.

Not because I stopped believing in God, but because I believed He deserved someone who was doing better than me.

I remember thinking, Maybe I'm just not made for this.

I'd try talking to friends about it, but most of them couldn't really understand why it affected me so deeply. And that's okay. If someone hasn't experienced it themselves, it's hard to explain why your relationship with God can feel so personal.

Some people would ask, "Why don't you just live your life the way you always have?"

Or, "Why feel guilty?"

For a while, I didn't know how to answer.

At the same time, I'd watch Christians online and, from my perspective, it seemed like everyone had it together.

Morning devotions.

Daily Bible reading.

Constant joy.

Perfect routines.

I rarely heard anyone talk about the weeks they barely prayed.

The days they avoided opening their Bible because they felt ashamed.

Or the guilt that comes from knowing you've drifted further than you wanted to.

So I quietly assumed something must have been wrong with me.

Looking back now, I realise something important.

The fact that I felt convicted wasn't proof that God had abandoned me.

It was proof that my heart had changed.

Before becoming Catholic, I could walk away from God without even thinking about Him.

Now, even when I drifted, I knew exactly where home was.

Every single time I fell, I knew who to run back to.

And every single time, He was there.

I'm still learning this.

I still have seasons where prayer feels harder than others.

I still have days where I don't feel particularly close to God.

But I'm slowly learning that holiness isn't about never falling.

It's about continuing to get back up.

Because the lie that says, "God doesn't want you anymore," isn't from Him.

The voice telling you you're too far gone, too sinful, or too inconsistent to come back isn't God's voice.

It's exactly the voice that wants to keep you away from the One person who can restore you.

If this is where you are today, don't wait until you feel worthy enough to pray.

Pray anyway.

Don't wait until you've had a perfect week before opening your Bible.

Open it anyway.

Don't convince yourself God only wants the version of you that has everything together.

Run back to Him exactly as you are.

Because He has never once stopped waiting for you.